Here is some of what I learned in my quiet time with God Wednesday morning, leading me to repentance... I hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me!
For the past couple of days, my mind has been in a state of what I can best describe as an indeterminate fog, one that is defined by a hyper-fixation on the self. As an over-thinker, this led to a borderline inner-hysteria, and an inability to enjoy my one-on-one times with God, as they were often met with confusion, uncertainty, and helplessness. I couldn’t talk to God. I couldn’t focus and engage in His Word, or have the wherewithal to sit with it for however long it took until I was able to write something down.
As I sent a voice-memo to my friend while on a prayer walk about what I was experiencing, I huffed and puffed in the phone, breathless from my brisk-paced walk and at the exhausting situation: “most of the prayer has just been me walking in silence because I don’t know how to talk to God about what’s been going on because I don’t know.” And other remarks like, “I feel like I have been stagnant for a while,” and “nothing is wrong on the outside”— It was all inward. It’s always inward.
Perhaps it was all simply a matter of sleeping off the hysterics, as the following morning, after reading my Bible for some time, I mustered the courage to pray (the early Psalms were my inspiration) and words came spewing out that revealed my utter faithlessness and fear that has, in hindsight been a root cause of a lot of my inner-turmoil all along… I presume that at some point such a tendency became more and more subtly integrated into my M.O.; all the more effortless to conceal. I was blown away simultaneously by my blindness to such a huge shortcoming, and by God’s grace and patience with me this entire time. In that moment I did repent of faithlessness, obtaining a newfound commitment to extend my faith outward — into my actions, behavior, prayers…not just in my ideals.
Fast forward to Wednesday, the following morning. With a freshly invigorated mind, I, for no particular reason, other than to explore a book I have yet to, decide to flip to Habakkuk. I simply want to learn more about my God and why He does the things that He does, I told myself sincerely.
For some quick context, Habakkuk was a prophet living among Israel in the midst of Babylonian captivity. The entire book is but 3 chapters long, defined by a question and answer format — being Habakkuk’s complaints towards God concerning the destruction and judgement befalling his people, followed by the Lord’s response that is indicative of His sovereignty and incessant work behind the scenes, even when it’s neither seen nor felt. Finally, the book is concluded by Habakkuk’s song to the Lord as a result of his renewed strength and unwavering faith in God’s goodness.
Among other gems God showed me throughout this study, I wanted to focus on one idea in particular, that which added an additional layer to my repentance. In chapter 2, we get the Lord’s response to what the NIV Bible refers to as “Habakkuk’s Second Complaint” that which questions God methods of using Babylon, a nation morally worse than Israel, as an instrument of judgment upon His people. Verses 1-3 is God assuring Habakkuk that He has a plan that is just, and that His timing is always perfect. He also (indirectly) reminds the prophet that He is the only One who knows everything there is to know about each individual’s heart, and thus He knows the most fitting and proper way to deal with each person as it pertains to their heart posture. Verse 4-5 begins to illustrate the ongoing events through God’s lens. Verse 5 is what rebuked me. It reads:
indeed, wine betrays him; he is arrogant and never at rest. Because he is as greedy as the grave and like death is never satisfied…
The “he” in this situation, being Babylon and the evil forces at work behind it, I understood was ultimately insecure and discontent with his life. The following is what I ended up writing in my journal as it pertains to this connection, “Perhaps he didn’t feel like he was living at all…thus he would continue to pine after evil in hopes of weening his appetite, but to no avail. For, evil will never bring satisfaction, as it as a property in and of itself is emptiness of good; it will forever lack…for that is what it is in essence… a lack.” Hence, this is why he’s greedy — he will never get enough.
In a flush of amazement, I realized this had been me a couple of days ago, as it didn’t make sense — there was nothing inherently wrong with me. From an objective lens I had no reason to be troubled. In times where I could acknowledge this when I found myself unable to pinpoint a specific point of contention, I would just chalk it up to me possibly being depressed (I’m not invalidating people who experience depression, I’m simply recounting the fact that I was trying to use it as an excuse) — it’s beyond prayer and fasting, I would deceitfully tell myself. But this verse encapsulated what my problem had really been.
Though I am a disciple of Christ, my sin of pride was resonant with the arrogant of Babylon. I was continuously finding things in my life to be dissatisfied with. I was constantly GRASPING AT STRAWS, always finding an excuse to be disgruntled, and quite frankly idolizing victimhood, and the idea of “struggling spiritually.” Maybe this was my attempted cop-out to deny myself, as a disciple is commanded to.
I plunged on the inevitable uncertainty of my life post-college to pity myself, instead of trusting in God’s plan for me. Additionally, there are other ongoing questions that frequently plague my mind, like when am I going to fall in love, when will I get over [insert] insecurity, when will my friendships with others deepen, and countless others that I used as victim-fuel. No where near grounds to be faithless.
As you all will recognize, this is the behavior, or thinking of someone who is proud and too consumed with themselves, one who is more prone to things of darkness, because they aren’t actively, consciously living based on the faith that justifies them. Consequently, they live in ungodly fear and discontentment. Proverbs 19:23 reads,
The fear of the LORD leads to life; then one rests content, untouched by trouble.
I knew on Tuesday that I was lacking faith in a substantial way, but this was the icing on the cake. I could suddenly connect the dots of confusion that sunk me in stagnation. All because I lacked complete contentment in my faith, in the purely beautiful, invaluable act Jesus did for me so that I can live with Him for eternity. That fact alone, is enough — more than enough to be joyful, always. And though prior to His sacrifice, Habakkuk even then, understood this of God’s character, as 3:17-18 reads,
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Habakkuk’s soul and spirit was full, because he indulged in the only One who could truly satisfy, the One who is contrary to the sheer emptiness of evil and darkness — the One who is the total fullness of goodness and light.
As I write this, I’m behooved to ponder what it means to rest content in the Lord. I’m finding that it comes down to being okay with the idea that, if I only had God for the rest of my life, I will remain satisfied, for He is the essence of satisfaction — to rest in the fact that if things don’t go my way at times, the most important, most precious part of me, my soul, will forever be secure in Him.
I’m going to move forward in faith. I’m not going to gravitate towards my old ways of panic and despair when I don’t have answers to my unending questions. I’m going to instead present my requests to God, trusting that He will answer them, and in the meantime guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus with His peace that transcends all understanding. I’m not going to dwell on and sulk in my longing for deep connections with other people. I’m instead going to faithfully love, as Christ loved and loves, trusting that I won’t be put to shame for it. And I’m going to faithfully allow God to fulfill my heart’s desires, trusting that they are there for a reason, and they won’t be neglected. I’m not going to resort to over-thinking whenever I face a dilemma. Instead, I’m going to pray without ceasing, starting with this prayer:
"Lord, help me to be content with the faith that justifies me..."
Thank you so much for reading! It means a lot. If any of this resonates with you, what’s one way you have been faithfully going against your flesh? What’s something faithful you plan on doing today or have already done? Please respond in the comments below, I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts!
Wow! Dana this is so relatable. I can be so self focused and it can lead me to more despair. I loved that you said Habakkuk indulged in his relationship with God and found contentment with Him. One thing I’m doing is giving more time to God and less on media especially before I go to bed. I need more time in the vine and less on worldly things! That way my thoughts are on what is truly important.
I felt that “spiritually struggling” cop out line.. something I’ve been … errr … umm… struggling with … for a long time. Something I have taken much comfort in is the Psalms. To see David wrestling with his own thoughts, prayers and circumstances as he sought a deeper connection with his Lord. One thing I noticed is that every bit of the fretfulness and edge of despair creeping across the pages I could really relate to as if they had spilled from my own pen. However one thing I noticed that was not present in my life is that way more often than not, he would CHOOSE to praise God regardless of how he felt and what he could see taking place in his life. Even if he didn’t know where God was at or what he was doing, he chose to see with the eye and light of faith (gifted no doubt by the father of lights). As I have sought to employ this in my own life I am seeing true repentance and a strengthening of faith which I thank God for. Thank you for honestly sharing your story with others.